I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
