Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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