After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
