i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
