are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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