his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
