When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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