Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
