i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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