Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
