please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
