I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
