Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
