I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
