And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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