as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
