My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
