it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
