Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
