I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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