a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
