Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
