My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
