i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
