Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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