You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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