i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
