I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
