don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
