No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
