nut hugger
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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