Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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