i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
