She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
