Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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