he shaved USA in his pubs
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
