Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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