i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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