My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
