I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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