Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
