Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
