Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
