Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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