I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
