just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
