Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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