If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
