Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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