I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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