one two three fourrrrnication!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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