she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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