Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
