I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
