we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
