I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
