How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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